


Not The Boy Next Door

by gelandspray



Series: Lay It All Down [2]
Category: Glee
Genre: Boypussy, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Identity, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-01
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2018-02-03 01:52:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1726775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gelandspray/pseuds/gelandspray
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Meeting Blaine made Kurt remember where he came from and everything he'd done to get there.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Not The Boy Next Door

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt Fill: Memory  
> For [Klaine Bingo](http://www.klainebingo.tumblr.com)

Shortly after he came out and in preparation for his reinvention for high school, Kurt asked his dad what he would’ve been named if he had been born a boy. He needed a new name and honestly didn’t know where to start. He looked on some websites, but it always made him feel odd to be looking at sites that also advertised a pregnancy calendar and prenatal nutrition facts. He figured he could maybe narrow it down if his dad could give him that spark of inspiration. What type of man did they envision? What type of name fit that man?

“Kurt,” Burt replied sadly. “Your mom always thought you would be a boy. Said she just had a feeling. Right up until the doctor pronounced you a girl, she was ready to call you Kurt.”

He tried to suppress the wave of pride and partnered smirk that came at the idea that his mom knew all along. He knew it was silly and unrealistic and he shouldn’t idealize his mom like that because moms had “that feeling” all the time, but he liked to think that his mom just _knew him_. He didn’t get the chance to find out what she would really think of him now, but he like to imagine that the feeling his mom had was her motherly intuition only temporarily thwarted and now entirely justified.

“Kurt it is then,” he decided.

“You sure?” his dad asked, shocked. “Doesn’t seem fancy enough for you or Broadway or whatever.”

“Dad, Kurt is the name of a character from The Sound of Music, which, by the way, explains _Maria_. And that’s Broadway enough for me,” he argued. “Besides, I can’t just throw away the name you picked,” he confessed.

“Should have known your mom took it from that. She loved The Sound of Music. It would have meant a lot to her for you to use that name.” 

The sad and forlorn look on his dad’s face caused a pang in his chest. Coming out to his dad had been hard, but it was times like these that he was particularly grateful. He had been worried that his dad would be mad. Ever since his mom died, he heard all the time how much he looked like her and how much he was like her and he wondered if he told his dad that he didn’t want to continue that, would he be offended? Would he fight it because he needed to keep the memory of Elizabeth alive? Would he think that Kurt didn’t love his mom and was rebelling against being like her?

But, in the end, he’d grossly underestimated his dad. Where he’d just hoped that his dad didn’t beat him up or throw him out, his dad stood firm in his love. The man who would come home, take off his greasy coveralls, and sit down for tea without complaint, was baffled and confused, but not angry as Kurt had feared he might be.

It made him feel a little bad for misleading him for so long.

Before he came out, Kurt convinced his dad that a short haircut was just the new fad. He named a handful of people who had short haircuts and he was grateful that he’d bought it hook, line, and sinker.

Although, after coming out, he hated that people could make that assumption. Each time he got complimented on his “cute little bob haircut” felt like a little chink in his armor. It was an assurance that he really didn’t pass as much as he thought. He got dressed in the morning and felt impeccable and he convinced himself that the chest binder he wore smashed down his tits while also being relatively subtle. Then he would go out into the world and someone would try to be polite and call him “ _Miss_ Hummel” or tell him he was a beautiful girl. Obviously, Kurt didn’t believe in strict gender norms, but sometimes he would guiltily wish that the things he did to look like a boy were more successful, that the short haircut could mean something more to people. But, then he’d shake it off, add some more hairspray, make sure his outfit was all in place, and move on.

It wasn’t until he got to high school that people began to really believe he was a boy, because of the combination of the fact that they didn’t remember him _and_ from his [packer](http://www.tranzwear.net/store.php?seller=TranZwear&navt1=87323&per=5&pd=4444096) (having bought it after getting over the worry that it would freak out his dad if he bought a fake penis), [full binder](http://www.underworks.com/men/compression-shirts/ultimate-chest-binder-tank), and all the other gender-affirming things he now owned. Maria Elizabeth Hummel was totally forgotten and the only thing people noticed about Kurt Elizabeth Hummel was that he was oddly effeminate.

But, where people forgot him between middle school and McKinley, Kurt didn’t. He couldn’t and he knew his dad couldn’t forget either, just like they couldn’t forget his mom. So, he promised his dad that, when he changed his name, he would be keeping the Elizabeth, because no matter how much passing mattered to him, it didn’t matter _that_ much. He wasn’t ready to let go of her yet.

And another thing he wasn’t ready to let go of? His voice. He knows about HRT and all the things it can do for him so he can pass, of course, from his internet searches and his talks with Unique, but he is honestly more afraid of what it would do to his voice than excited about its other effects. His voice is his dream. He wants to preform and if he does this thing that will help him pass, then the doorway to his dream might be gone. Maybe, _maybe_ , his new voice will be nice too, but that feels like a serious gamble he isn’t ready to take. For now and for the foreseeable future, his voice will stay this way.

Though, as much as he understands not wanting to change his voice, most people don’t. But most people don’t get him in general. They don’t understand why, if he wants to be a man, he doesn’t much act like one or, at least, the one people expect. Kurt won’t pretend that he didn’t let that get to him. He remembers when he tried to fight being effeminate and when he tried fight being gay on top of it. He knew this was hard for his dad to understand in the first place. If he couldn’t be the girl his dad expected, then he thought he should be the guy his dad wanted, not the gay boy he is but the manly, straight man. So, he wore flannel and he made out with Brittany a little bit, but he couldn’t stop himself from asking her about boys’ lips. He just wanted to know. Eventually, he realized it was dumb to think that he could change his sexuality or his masculinity if he had already accepted he couldn’t change his gender identity. He just wished that he had some sort of control. He didn’t want to disappoint his dad.

He is a repeat offender in underestimating his dad.

However, as much as he was now proud of who he was, he still wasn’t out at McKinley, at least not completely. Everyone knew he was gay – that was the whole problem with Karofsky – but no one outside of Glee knew that he could still be in the closet…while out of the closet. Everything he said to Karofky was true; really, it was. He didn’t believe in outing and he believed in being yourself, but he also believed in being safe and if he was dubious about being safe as a gay boy, he didn’t believe he would be safe as a trans kid. He knew how mad people could get about fucking with gender norms and he was really a doozy. His dad struggled with the idea enough and he loved Kurt absolutely. Because of this, Burt negotiated with McKinley to makes sure that Kurt’s name was correct on the rosters, so no one would out him by calling him the wrong name. They couldn’t get his gender marker changed on his birth certificate, because there were requirements – requirements he couldn’t meet. So, other than correcting his name, there was no record at McKinley that he was a boy, but Kurt didn’t let there be any record with the students that he was a girl. He was too afraid.

He had been afraid for Unique too, when she came to Mercedes and him. He heard how Sue would call her a “He/She” and he was afraid for Unique, that if she came out so publically, the response would be negative and even be violent. But Unique is a stronger person than he is. She went out there, against her parents, Jesse St. James, Mercedes, and Kurt, too. And she was successful. She got keys to cities and was on covers of magazines. People still called her “he/she” in their awfully ignorant way, but it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. Unique had been right to be herself. It was spectacular. She is _spectacular_.

And now, here in New York, Kurt hopes he can be spectacular too.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic based on my personal knowledge of what a transmasculine person’s life might look like, which is to say that not all trans men are like this and not all of them make the same decisions. Also, I chose Kurt, not because I don’t think Blaine can be believed as a transmasculine person, but because I wanted to pay particular attention to what it means to be transmasculine while being effeminate. Thanks!


End file.
